The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
