Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
