I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
