You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
