You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
