I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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