No more Irish car bombs ever.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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