Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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