My liver just broke up with me...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Randomize
