I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
