Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
