so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
