I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
