Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
