I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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