There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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