I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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