I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
