I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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