I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
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Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
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There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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