oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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