nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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