There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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