guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
