dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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