The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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