i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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