your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
