Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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