One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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