Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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