Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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