he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
