I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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