im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
