I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
