I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
