I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
