We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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