Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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