Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
