Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
