I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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