I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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