the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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