captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I am naked and annoyed.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
