The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
