Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
false alarm. still invincible.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
