You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
