The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
