Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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