i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
