I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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