I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
