you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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