dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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