I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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