Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
