I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So squirting runs in the family.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
