I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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