Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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