No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
