she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
