I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im six kinds of drunk right now
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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