Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
