I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We left an ass print on the piano.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
