where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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